How We Learned To Strive
by snowflake98
Summary: In which Sasori and Sasuke are roommates, with irritating, blonde best friends, and low self-esteem which undeniably gets lifted by each other although they try to deny it. SasoSasu, Sasori X Sasuke
1. When

Um... Okay, I'd just like to say that nobody wrote me a SasoSasu, so I had to do it myself. Would totes appreciate if you wrote me one after this. This is one of my rare (btwfail) multi-chapter fics.

Concrit lo~ved and please enjoy. :)

Full title: How We Learned to Strive to Find Things Wrong with Ourselves

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><p>Sasori's day starts when his wake-up call comes.<p>

Namely, at 11 am when Deidara deigns to drag his own sorry ass out of the dream world, blink at the blinding brightness of the world, pull the covers back over his head, and then call Sasori to mumble things about the plans for the day already half-gone. At that point, Sasori leaves a sticky note on the fridge for his irritable roommate, Sasuke, and gets his daily exercise by walking/jogging to the blonde's house to rouse his friend and hold him to his words of "plans."

Normally the two of them hang around each other until about five, when most people are returning from work and the two of them are setting off to work. Deidara drives him to the bookstore/café where he puts his obsessive compulsive disorder to good use organizing the shelves and earning the money to pay the rent, and Deidara heads to his own job at some department store no one cares about the name of.

Sasori gets off at 11 pm when the bookstore closes and the people using the café's public internet connection finally slink out the doors. Deidara picks him up at a quarter after the hour; Sasori uses the time to smoke cigarettes he bums off of a coworker. Deidara then drives him home/back to Deidara's house to socialize some more, where Sasori then walks home from once Deidara falls asleep.

He unlocks the front door with his key to hear Sasuke mutter questionable comments about his use of the sticky notes for mundane things. Sasuke has "to buy another pack because" Sasori "keeps wasting them." Sasori agrees half-heartedly and then drifts off to his bed after offering to tell Naruto that Sasuke isn't home the next time the blonde calls. Sasuke declines, always does (he doesn't actually dislike Naruto's company as much as he pretends he does), but Sasori is still going to offer it the next day and the day after that because that's just the kind of person he is.

He's a Sasori kind of person; the kind that needs to hear Sasuke screw with the air conditioning and his footsteps in the hallway fade into comfortable silence for Sasori to even be able to fall asleep.


	2. Where

Er, no explanation? ...Enjoy...?

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><p>Sasuke's memory is bad.<p>

Well, it's at least "selective." Because of some traumatizing incidents (the same ones that caused Sasuke to move to arid Suna and away from his home town) he subconsciously blocks out and forgets things quickly. Especially those with negative connotations for him, such as remembering a new showerhead for the bathroom since _his drowning was attempted in a similar place_, or those that carry the potential to be painful like _getting more eggs because if any of them are cracked the whip will be the next thing cracked, boy._

Of course, Sasori is as understanding of this as he can be (he has his own faults, you know, which can also be fixed by therapy but which he uses medicine to fix instead).

This is what the sticky notes are for. They are a precious thing to Sasuke. They represent a doorway to normalcy, a way to force his memory into working when it tends to refuse. So it should be perfectly understandable when he gets pissed about Sasori diminishing the significance of them with random scribbling.

"Don't forget" reads the top one. The one underneath says, "Wish the neighbors would take down their Christmas lights wtf~~".Beneath that is the actual words "scribble scribble scribble" (god Sasori has sunk so low) and then "Dei said hi".

Sasuke bristles at these notes, throwing them in the trash one by one. The second to last one in the stack says, "milk eggs cake mix, strawberry if possible, Dei's favourite". Sasuke folds this one and puts in his pocket to take to the store with him.

He is going to throw the last one away without looking (after all, Sasori can probably only manage one relevant note per pile) but his eyes sweep over it without his consent.

"Had to reorganize the cupboard again. Hope you don't mind… sorry."

Sasuke regards the note with a bit of disdain. He sighs and pulls a pen out of his pocket. He writes "It's okay, don't stress," under Sasori's ultra-obsessively neat writing, and then "Just do the fridge next time, too" with a little smiley face next to it. And then he takes another sticky note and writes, "Thursday's therapy canceled. If on edge, please don't push" and sticks them both to the fridge.

He has to check the locks on all the doors before he leaves, just like he always does.


	3. Why

Why (not?)

Sasori and Sasuke become roommates by an odd turn of events.

Sasuke is in his first year of college (major in psychology), and Sasori is in his last (major in _whatever_) when they meet. There is a shortage of dormitories, and they end up sharing a room by some glitch in the system. Luckily Sasori is a tame, loner type, one who doesn't bother others unless bothered first. Sasuke is scared (read: nervous, Uchihas aren't afraid of anything) as fuck until he actually meets the man.

Sasori alphabetizes his books and Sasuke's CDs that night, pops more pills than he's supposed to, and falls asleep in Sasuke's bed.

Sasuke sleeps on the floor like he's used to. College feels like home already.

They bond over Sasori's OCD and Sasuke's childhood trauma ("…After Itachi died, it all went downhill, Akasuna."). Somehow they can forgive each other for things they might be persecuted for by anyone else.

When the year ends, Sasori graduates, and Sasuke has nowhere to go ("…except for my parents' house. But… I'm free now, I can't go back there, ever."), Sasori offers to split his rent with the Uchiha.

Well, the actual scene goes more like this:

Sasori walks in as Sasuke is mumbling to himself and listing his options on a half-sheet of notebook paper. "Pay half of the rent and you can bunk with me," he says automatically.

"I'll take care of myself," is the response.

"You can't even take care of a goldfish. I heard what happened to Naruto's precious guppy."

"I don't _want _to move in with you."

"When has not wanting to do something ever stopped you?"

A pause. "…Fine."

"Score." Sasuke shoots him a funny look and Sasori shoots him a half-smile that he quickly turns into a frown. "Brat?" he amends questioningly.

"Screw you?" Sasuke responds.

"Awesome. Meet me at the doors when you're packed."

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><p>Short chappie. Have my love. Please review (if you want, that is).<p> 


	4. What

Here is the next chapter, sorry it took so long to edit it!

I think I'm happy with it now... Enjoy! :)

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><p>Sasuke's day starts when his alarm rouses him from the darkness of the blankets and into the darkness of the pre-dawn.<p>

His world is quite a dark one these days… but whether or not he admits it, the sticky notes Sasori leaves on the fridge serve as burning material for his dying fire. Bad metaphor, he knows. A lot of things he does is bad these days.

He finds single cigarettes on the kitchen counter when he finally stumbles into being, into the house, and out of his room. Sasuke is not actually sure if Sasori is okay with him smoking and the cigarettes are left there on purpose, or if Sasori wonders where they disappear to. All he knows is that Sasori usually wakes up with a good margin of time between them, and, although Sasori doesn't regularly smoke (so he doesn't actually have a lighter), he keeps his matches in the cupboard by the sink.

(Plus Sasuke can buy matches at the corner store if they ever run out… which they never seem to do.)

(That fact speaks volumes.)

By the time Sasuke's morning smoke is over, Sasori has risen, showered, and is relaxing in the living room, so Sasuke takes his turn in the bathroom to shower and preen. When he's done preparing himself for the world, Sasuke gathers his school supplies and Sasori slaps the car keys in his hands, which Sasuke uses to force the car to take him to Suna University.

After enduring teachers, lectures, and painful clashes with logical reasoning, Sasuke drives home to find a (nice, quiet,) Sasori-less house. He relaxes for a little while in the cool air of their shared residence (Suna is desert-y as fuck. He is _still _not used to this hot, dry-ass weather) before inspecting the notes on the fridge and doing the shopping. On Thursdays and Saturdays he comes home with time to spare for his therapist's appointment, where he spends even more time in painful clashes with logical reasoning.

If he doesn't have therapy, then it's not unusual for Naruto to call (Naruto knows his therapy days, and wouldn't dare interrupt). They make plans they won't hold each other to; Naruto offers to drive up to Suna the next four-day weekend, and Sasuke says maybe he'll take Naruto up on that and they can spend some time as friends again. Sasuke spends the rest of his afternoon looking for a job so he can pay his half of the rent (which Sasori never really expected him to pay in the first place).

When Sasori comes back from Deidara's house (and Sasori's nice, relaxing job at a quiet, relaxing bookstore, where he doesn't actually earn the money to pay the rent from; his dead parents left him a shit-load of money and he actually _accepted _it) (unlike Sasuke, who refused any help at all from his fucked up, assholish what's-a-more-emotionally-distancing-term-for-parents), Sasuke makes some half-hearted gripe about the redhead's use of his precious sticky notes.

Sasori recognizes this complaint as something Sasuke (as a tight-ass Uchiha) has to say, if he values his pride (as a tight-ass Uchiha). Sasori then offers to get Sasuke a cell phone or something if Sasuke makes a comment or even thinks about Naruto. This usually results in a short discussion about Sasuke's inability to admit simple truths (during which Sasuke writes things he doesn't believe in on essays and assignments from school).

Sasuke dismisses Sasori's (actually very valid) arguments once it gets too hard to talk and work, and Sasori heads off to bed promptly, because Sasuke's really the only amusing thing in the house besides sleep, and sleep requires only a bed, and sometimes not even that. When Sasuke is about to fall asleep at the table with his schoolwork, he gets up and messes with Rich Boy Akasuna's air conditioning. (It's so cool that it can be programmed to turn off during the night. Not that he'd want it to.) Then he drifts off to his own bed.

The alarm on the side table takes a second or two to set, and then he closes his eyes_. _

In the morning when the alarm goes off, Sasori won't be awake just yet, and neither will the sun, but somehow Sasuke will find the courage to face the darkness.


	5. How

On the subject of continuity... I don't think there is any. :) This is the last chapter- after this is the epilogue, and then we're done.

I'm sorry that Nanowrimo hijacked my life, but, I'm back, with a long chapter. Review if you have the time (no pressure, no pressure), and please enjoy!

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><p>(Three hundred and sixty-five and one-fourth days pass. There's no other way to describe it but in such a boring, mathematical way; math is a subject Sasuke hates but excels at.)<p>

(Sometimes all he wishes to do is prove those theories, those "rules," wrong, shatter them into pieces too small to be identified. Nothing, _nothing _should ever regarded as absolute.)

(But Sasuke hates math, so he does not try.)

(His psychology professor likes to believe there's not much impossible where the human mind is concerned, and Sasuke has not yet been disillusioned.)

…

It's a Sunday.

Sunday means no college undergrads to deal with- which is great, because even the people older than Sasuke act like children.

Sasuke is now a junior in college, but he doesn't call himself that. (Doesn't himself a 'junior.' He calls himself Sasuke all the time, that's his name isn't it, just sometimes he forgets to add the 'Uchiha' part.) He hates the way the word tastes on his tongue, like cigarette smoke and delivery pizza and the chocolate bars Sasori slips to him when he's too close to due dates to eat.

…. Sunday also means Sasori's off from work. Usually, there's more interaction between Rich Boy Akasuna and Refused His Inheritance Uchiha (©) on the weekends.

Sasuke actually finds it very hard to pull himself out of bed this morning. However, he has classes tomorrow and can't run the risk of being late (can't sleep in too late today, if he's to wake up tomorrow). He thinks "fuck" for quite a few minutes, voices his thoughts only once but quite loudly and thoroughly, and then he gathers his sheets and lilts into the hallway to doze on the couch.

The shock of red hair named Sasori is already laying across the couch when Sasuke stumbles into the living room. Sasori's fingers are splayed out over his chest, rising and falling with his breathing. Sasuke dims the lights and his roommate's body shakes with the mumbled greeting he offers.

"Morning," Sasuke says back. It's a bit surprising that Sasori is awake before him. Even on weekends, it's a rare occurrence.

Sasuke's legs aren't quite sturdy (awake) yet, so he leans against the wall-in the case that they give out beneath him, he won't be too badly hurt.

Sasori seems to notice the dilemma he's in. He draws his legs up to clear the end of the couch. The spot looks really inviting and there's no other place in the room to lie down, so Sasuke drifts away from the light switch to curl up on the couch against the armrest. After a moment Sasori stretches his legs out and finds a comfortable compromise between bent knees and using Sasuke as a footrest.

"So what's on the agenda for today?" Sasori asks.

"Not much." Sasuke lets his head droop down against his shoulder. Everything is lagging today. "What is there to eat?" Three meals. That's what he needs this weekend. Sleep and eating right are important. After breakfast, he'll do some sort of exercise- maybe biking, or just a solid jog if it comes down to that.

"There's leftover pizza in the fridge," Sasori says. Sasuke wrinkles his nose at the thought of cold pizza again; Sasori reconsiders the idea before he even sees Sasuke's reaction, and the two of them sigh in tandem. (The world tastes bitter at that moment. They're much too similar for Sasuke's liking.) "Well, it's Dei's birthday again soon," Sasori says. The change of subject is appreciated. "We're going to need cake mix again."

Sasuke nods. "Strawberry?" he asks. Strawberry is Deidara's favourite. That's one thing that Sasuke always remembers, even if it's only because Sasori's so predictable. Every year since Sasuke and Sasori had met, Sasori made a cake for Deidara, completely by hand. Sasori had even given hints that he'd been doing it long before that, too.

(Looking back, it had only been three years since Sasuke met him, hadn't it? Freshman year, sophomore year, and then this one, this one that never seems to end.)

(How did it get this far, how did they go from being accidental roommates to sharing a house, and almost a life? How did Sasuke go from almost self-sufficient to paying Sasori back by doing his household chores?)

(Freedom, from memories and his "parents" and from guilt- he had been so close to it.)

"Yeah," Sasori murmurs, agreeing on "strawberry." He doesn't seem to notice Sasuke's thoughts veering off track, but the beat of quiet between responses lasts too long- for both of them. Sasori reaches for words to fill the silence with and succeeds. It's something about caramel lattes and regular customers and whipped cream that spares Sasuke the effort of making his thoughts coherent.

(Sasori's voice is a low hum, filling the room with white noise.)

Rough drafts and final drafts and projects have left Sasuke grateful for every moment of sleep he can get; Sasori murmurs on and Sasuke succumbs again to the pull of slumber.

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><p>Sasori lets him sleep (he always does, he always lets Sasuke do as he wishes, no matter what the cost is to him), but after a while even Sasori's gentle movements (he speaks with his hands, sometimes) are enough to wake Sasuke.<p>

"I don't think I know anymore," Sasori says, after a quiet moment. He sounds distractedly concentrated. You know, if there is such a thing.

Sasuke puts forth an effort to lift his eyelids a fraction of a centimeter; for all his effort to use energy he doesn't have, his only reward is Sasori staring in his direction with a distant expression.

He's also rubbing his hands. Is something bothering him about Sasuke? The shirt Sasuke slept in doesn't have a collar, so that's not it. (Sasori often freaks at screwed-up collars-and many other things, but listing them all won't do a single productive thing.) Other than that, Sasuke doesn't see what it could be.

A yawn attacks Sasuke, and, like many other things, he gives in to it.

(Sasori's eyes follow him. They follow the curve of his neck when Sasuke presses his head against the fabric of the couch; they follow his legs when they spread out and brace themselves against the floor and the corner of the cushions.)

When Sasuke looks up, Sasori looks away.

(Did he think I didn't see him looking at me? Why doesn't he just tell me what he wants to tell me?)

Sasori takes a deep breath and opens his mouth as if to speak-then closes it again. It's frustrating, but calming, too, and some other feeling all at once. Something that maybe... doesn't need to be spoken.

"I don't think I know anymore," Sasori repeats.

"Maybe there's nothing to know," Sasuke says. The words, when they appear in his mind juxtaposed next to the sound of his own voice, lack the defensiveness they should have. It's all serenity, all peace and all things Sasuke doesn't have- no, things he's never had before now.

(It's odd, now. There's this feeling inside of Sasuke, something that's pulling him to the surface of an ocean he didn't know he was buried under. The top layer of water is rough, but somehow- somehow- he's breaking through it, and inhaling deeply, and gasping for breath and laying his head back to bask in the warmth of the sun. He's soaking up sunlight he hasn't seen in forever.)

(And he's not changing at all on the outside; he's still him, he's still Sasuke.)

Next to him, the shock of red hair named Sasori sways dangerously.

Sasuke straightens up. "You okay?" he asks. He receives no answer. (Maybe it's really him who's swaying, maybe it's him who's reached some sort of cliff and is teetering at the end.)

He leans forward, ready to catch Sasori (no matter what, they are always ready to catch each other)- their hands accidentally touch (and it's the most intimate thing Sasuke's ever fault).

They jerk apart. Sasuke's hand flies to his chest on reflex, and he clutches it there. Sasori is a mirror, doing the same thing, but he realizes the irony of this, whether consciously or not, and drops it down.

(Afraid to break, afraid to touch-it's all just one thing, isn't it? It's all just fear.)

Sasori looks up, and Sasuke can't look away.

(Some kind of perfection is reflected in Sasori's eyes, and it's not because he's a perfectionist. Sasuke doesn't understand it either, but then he can't talk, because he can't remember the last time he was able to look someone, anyone, in the eye.)

(There's nothing more perfect than imperfection, especially of the sort that Sasori has.)

(Sasuke can't shake the feeling that... that Sasori is looking at _him_ and thinking the exact same thing.)

It's Sasori who looks away first, scaredrelievedenlightened by what he's seen. His eyes fall closed with a short nod, and it's either a way of telling Sasuke _you won _or a way of saying _you lost but we can split the prize._

(Sasuke really doesn't know where he comes up with these metaphors, but somehow, for some reason-)

"It feels like I just woke up from a long sleep," he murmurs.

Sasori's leg shifts. The stretch of space between them feels like it goes on for miles, even though they're so close. It's beautiful- because Sasuke wants so much for that space to disappear. He's never wanted anything more than he does this. "You did," Sasori points out. "And then you came out onto the couch and fell asleep again and then we had a staring contest.."

Sasuke smiles, and it's liberating, freeing, whatever word he can think of, because it's everything and something and anything and nothing all at the same time, and he's not going to say what he's thinking at all.

(Sasori looks him in the eye again. Sasuke isn't sure who's bearing whose soul to whom.)

…

...

(Through the darkness, Sasuke sees a light. It's small, and vulnerable, and completely imperfect, but it's been there all along and it's got no intention of leaving him. He runs to it.)

(There _is _a light at the end of the tunnel. It brightens once, dims, and then blinds him.)


	6. Epilogue

Epilogue

The next day is so similar to the many ones before it, yet it's like nothing Sasuke's experienced before.

Sasuke wakes up not only to the alarm screaming the time of day, but to Sasori whispering scandalous, heartfelt things in his not-quite sleep. Sasuke lets the alarm cry for a minute before pacifying it with the snooze button. The redhead next to him snuggles into his side in more-of-an-unwilling-awakeness-than-actual sleepiness. Sasuke turns away from Sasori, embarrassed that he relishes the contact so much. In a period of time that doesn't feel like ten minutes but is apparently supposed to be, the alarm screeches again and, finally, Sasuke steps away from the warmth of Sasori's body and into the warmth of the Suna desert.

There are two cigarettes and a sticky note on the counter when he marches into being, to the thermostat, and then to the kitchen. The sticky note has a frowny face on it. It says, in Sasori's obsessively neat handwriting, "Smoking cause lung cancer. If I try & quit, will you?"

Sasuke sighs. It takes him a minute, but eventually he crumples the note and the cigarettes. The trash bin shakes with the force he uses to throw them away. (It's hard to give them up.) Then he goes into the cupboard by the sink and fishes out the matches, tosses them into the sink and runs the faucet. He makes himself a sandwich instead of smoking, and by the time he's finished eating the matches are soaked enough to trash, and Sasori has risen out of bed and into the shower.

Sasori doesn't take long to shower, of course. It barely takes five minutes for him to be done, yet by that time Sasuke has already made another sandwich and set it on the counter for his roommate. They bump shoulders as they pass in the hallway; Sasori's hair is heavy with water and the thanks he gives Sasuke upon reaching the kitchen is rushed but nonetheless appreciated.

After Sasuke showers and fucks around with his hair and readies himself for life, he gets his books and papers and a smile from Sasori, who has finished the sandwich and is cleaning the kitchen counter. When Sasori hesitates for a millisecond, their eyes lock and something in Sasuke feels validated. It's a weird feeling because he's not even sure what that feels like.

"My hair's messy today," he murmurs, tucking the math book under his arm.

"Messy is good," Sasori replies. "Messy means you're bad ass and you can kill with just a mechanical pencil." To emphasize, he reaches across the counter to a cup of pencils and adds one to the stack of books in Sasuke's arms. It's a corny joke, but it makes Sasuke smile. Sasori doesn't usually make corny jokes.

"Yes, well," he says, "messy also means add hair gel to the list."

"Messy means I'll do that and clean your room, too," Sasori says, smirking.

An objection, an indignant "Hey," dies in his throat, and Sasuke smiles.

(Their lips touch when Sasuke dares to stray too close.)

Sasori doesn't wait for the afternoon; the sticky note he presses discreetly into Sasuke's hand says, "I love you."

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><p>That's the end! :) Concrit would be really awesome, everyone, and I hope you liked!<p> 


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